Scripted

A brief summary of this week:

Writing, memorizing, practicing, presenting.

Editing, revising, practicing, erasing.

Mind hovering over words.

As I crunch through my college essays, I realize that there is not much difference between preparing for leaving voice messages, sending emails, scheduling conversations and writing essays. They both have frustrating red-pen marks and faded paper from erasing so many times in my mind ( I do not actually use pencils). Writing day after day after day, reading my own words that now sound so humiliatingly alien, and finally realizing that I need to start over, is more than exhausting. Maybe my tone is not cheerful enough, or it is too energetic. I am speaking too fast or too low or too clumsily or too rigidly. I have even begun creating words (when my fingers go berserk on the keyboard).

Although this sounds extremely negative, I realize, it is a greatly exaggerated account of the truth - the result of writing for an unhealthy extended amount of time with few breaks. What actually happened is that I felt too scripted. When I was practicing with the wall, I realized that even the wall could have noticed that I was stumbling more than was necessary. Writing things down initially was supposed to help me, nudge me in the right direction, however it soon became a source of panic. The fact that I have a “script” that I can follow gave me the impression that it was what I needed to use, and that I could not stray from the scripted trail. The irony was that a script to help became a script to fear, almost.

There are of course several advantages to having a script handy, especially when nervousness takes over and paralyzes the mind, rendering all thought processes as futile. Having the script playing not in the mind but directly on the tongue definitely helps as a rescue measure. However, it is frightening when the mind is not under the restraints of jitters, and is quite able to think on its own. Then, what I experience is a battle for control - I am speaking what I have practiced to say, but my mind is constantly revising and editing simultaneously, trying to exercise control over what I say. In the end, I am left confused, my words a mess, one toppling over the other.

I have always been extremely against being “scripted”. This does not mean having a script, or practicing, or writing ideas down, because those refer to preparation, not “scripted-ness”. In Indian Classical Music, a majority of a concert contains spontaneous renditions of intricate patterns and emotions woven together seamlessly. Beginners learning the art often have trouble, and are encouraged to write down, memorize and practice phrases, and finally present them. However, being scripted itself takes practice. Most students have difficulty not with practicing prepared phrases, but presenting them naturally. It is often very easy to spot beginners, therefore, since they sound “scripted”, as though they are afraid to mess-up when there is no messing-up if everything is spontaneous.

In the same way, following scripts should be practiced so many times that it becomes natural. It becomes so natural that on-the-spot battles for seizing control over words do not exist. I realized that I sometimes forget to breathe while speaking, or to add simple but effective pauses that would not only improve the understanding of those listening, but also my personal comprehension. So, yes, the scripts in my head will continue to be changed, evolved, revised, but my words will not remain "scripted".